Saturday, November 14, 2009

I am not finished with this, but what do you think of this poem so far?

You think I don’t see you but I do.


Don’t turn around for you will see me, too.


Yesterday my verbena was tall.


Now it looks like it missed summer and went to fall.


I know you ate it by the way it looks.


Twernt any fish that ate it from the brooks.


One of these days you will go too far,


And I will snatch you up and put you in my car.


Far away I will drive to relocate your hide,


And when I do, my garden, n’er you’ll be inside.


Keep on eating the grass for I don’t mind.


It is rye grass, which grows back in time.


I am going back inside to re-read my notes.


I’d rather have you around than an old billy goat.


My gladiolous you have not touched.


You’re so young, guess you don’t know much.


I fret the day you taste one of them


Because when you do they’ll be gone – bulb and stem.

I am not finished with this, but what do you think of this poem so far?
It is alright PS do you have a girlfriend
Reply:I think it's great so far. I love your style. This suits my taste in poetry. I love a poem that tells a story and you've told it well in my opinion. Can't wait for the 'finish'.
Reply:Hahaha...for one horrifying second I thought you were talking about a woman instead of a rabbit...could you specify that in your poem or include it in the ending so I don't get all freaked out thinking you're going to kidnap some unexpecting girl...lol. Yeah, it needs some work, the old-language is confusing to some audiences, irritates others, and amuses the rest. Shakespeare was old and bawdy...let him use the dumb words. I know there's some liscence to be had when rhyming, if you read mine you'll see that I had to stretch at some points too, but don't work too hard to get it to work for you. Try finding different ways to say exactly how you feel. It might end up working better both rythmically and match closer to what you're trying to express.
Reply:Lame.
Reply:my personal opinion is it is very very good.
Reply:ohhh my i think its interesting... But what is it about....exactly.
Reply:Parts of it are a little forced. Don't try too hard to make it rhyme! If need be, you can change the pattern, or not rhyme at all. Like this:





You think I don't see you,


But I've always seen


The curve of your smile


And the warmth of your sheen.





Or something like that. Also, where did you get 'twernt'? Now you're just making up words on me.
Reply:aww i like the feeling that it gives, it just needs a little tweaking here and there
Reply:I think it's very good. All thru the poem, I was


trying to figue out what was eating at your


garden....until you told us in the details.


Do gladiolas bulbs really taste good? or just


to rabbits?
Reply:weird creepy and disgusting


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